Elephant White and Give Em' Hell Malone

I wasn't going to write this post, but to avoid the guilt of not having given full movie-watching disclosure here I am to tell you about watching two of possibly the worst movies ever made.  In a row.

I started with Elephant White.  Starring Kevin Bacon, shaky at times but usually decently entertaining, and Djimon Hounsou who was pretty great in Blood Diamond, Amistad, and Gladiator, I figured hey this never-heard-of action-crime flick could be a real find.  Thank the powers that be it was only an hour and a half long.  First of all, Kevin Bacon should never do a British accent.  Second, the guns all looked plastic with multiple sets looking they were built in my basement.  Third, the big "twist" of the film is obvious in the first five minutes.  Fourth, my five-year old nephew could write better dialogue.  And on, and on.  Stay away.  Far away.

Next I figured, you know what?  If I am going to watch obscure action-crime movies lets go for broke.  And up I queued Give Em' Hell Malone, starring Thomas Jane and Ving Rhames.  It was slightly better than Elephant White, being an amusing parody of old-school detective flicks, but only slightly better.  Half the time I couldn't tell if it was trying to be a serious movie or a joke.  Every character seemed to be a mockery of themselves, and there was even a young asian schoolgirl assassin seemingly straight from Tarantino.  I do have to give Jane kudos for his voice.  So kudos to you, Thomas Jane, for not sucking as badly as everyone else.